The Large Flying Thing
by Perilous Mango Ninja
Summary: I'm NOT done with this yet, but r/r anyways! A large flying thing crashes in Tortall, and ______s come out to visit Tortall! There is actually kind of a plot to this story. For once! Joy will fill the world if you read this...
1. Large Flying Thing Crashes

P Back in the old times, when insane people, like the author, were condemned as heretics and burned at the stake, nothing in

Author's Note: I like to make fun of things.Yea.I like making fun of Neal, especially; he's kind of stupid in my opinion.I'm probably going to get flames from Neal lovers now, but that's just my funky mind.I mean, I think Joren is cool, even though he dies.That makes me sad, L, but oh well.Anyways, yea, Neal is just in here to make stupid comments and stuff.*~These are actions~* Disclaimer at bottom.

Back in the old times, when insane people, like the author, were condemned as heretics and burned at the stake, nothing interesting happened.Until one day, the author of this fic decided it would be fun to meddle with the minds of the innocent little people back then.Behold her work of art!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau is dueling with her squire, Nealan of Queenscove, when a large flying thing lands in the fields near them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Neal: Ooooohhh... shiny!

*~Alanna hits him on the head and goes to inspect it.Neal glares at her reproachfully, then follows~*

Neal: Ooooooh... is it an immortal?

*~Alanna throws a spear that magically appears from her hair.(A/N: Yes, her hair.It's a perfect place to hide stuff.) Neither of them realizes that she threw it in the opposite direction. Nothing happens.Deciding to walk back to the palace to tell King Jon, they turn on their heels (A/N: In perfect unison, I might add!!!) and walk right into the large flying thing with an ikki yakkibrowl grookles gook mochash. Somehow, however, they manage to find their way back to the palace.~*

~~~Meanwhile, inside the large flying thing…~~~

Bob the Pineapple: OK, crew, remember to introduce yourselves as the Ylajukeedyfegalkikasians from Tegachelupiakia.

Crew: Yes, captain, sir!

Bob the Pineapple: I want to hear you say it.SAY IT!

Crew: We are the Ylajukeedyfegalkikasians from Tegachelupiakia!!

Bob the Pineapple (Will from now on be Bob; author is tired of typing "Bob the Pineapple): *Claps* Good job, retard! (A/N: I don't know if you've heard the joke about the idiot and the ink blots… if you haven't, get someone to tell it to you.Then you'll get this better.)

*~The crew beams happily~*

Bob: OK!Go!!

~~~~Back in the Palace at Tortall~~~~

King Jon: So… a large flying thing?

Neal: Yup!It was shiny, too!

*~Alanna hits him on the head~*

Neal: Ow. *~Rubs his head~*

*~They, and whoever you (the reader) deems important enough, go to inspect the large flying thing~*

*~Bob the Pineapple and his crew (of fruit) pop out~*

Bob and crew: Greetings!We are the Ylajukeedyfegalkikasians from Tegachelupiakia!!

Everybody (Who inspected, duh!):WOW!!!Ylajukeedyfegalkikasians from Tegachelupiakia!!Never seen those before!!!

*~Everybody then tries to say something and nobody understands and all is confusion~*

Sissy the Starfruit (one of the crew): Quiet!

*~Everybody is quiet~* (A/N: I don't know why they listened to a starfruit, especially not why they listened to a starfruit named Sissy)

Bob: Now, we are here for a single reason!We are here so that you will join the cult of the Old Man Who Does Has Yet To Exist!!!!

*~Cut scene to 100 millennia in the future.Miraculously, they're all still alive, though Pip the Grape is a little dry…~*

Bob: IT IS NOW TIME FOR YOU ALL TO JOIN THE CULT OF THE OLD MAN WHO NOW EXISTS!

Numair (We wouldn't want to leave him out, would we? *laughs evilly*): I thought it was the cult of the Old Man That Has Yet To Exist…

Bob: It has been a while, my peachy friend.

Numair: *Offended* I am not a peach!

Bob: Well, you sure look like one!*~Cracks up~*

*~Numair tries to turn Bob the Pineapple into Bob the Bowling Ball, but fails, because nothing bad is ever allowed to happen to Bob the Pineapple, because the author likes Bob the Pineapple~*

To be continued…

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Tamora Pierce characters, but I *do* own all of the fruit, the large flying thing, and the corny humor.Whatever is not mentioned in anything written by TP, but is mentioned here, is MINE!No stealing.


	2. The Spelling Bee (related...see how!)

Bob (the Pineapple): So anyways, it is time for you to join the cult of the Old Man Who Exists

Author's Note: I love everybody created by Tamora Pierce, but, like I say, I like making fun of everybody, and so... yea... I will be MERCILESS!!! MUAHAHAHAHA *chokes, but manages to recover* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA *chokes, but manages to recover* (repeat until you are insane, bored, or feel that reading the fanfic would be more interesting)

Bob (the Pineapple): So anyways, it is time for you to join the cult of the Old Man Who Exists.

Daine (wouldn't leave her out, either, would we?*laughs evilly*): Why?

Bob: Because I say so!

Daine: Well, but... why?

Bob: You must join the Old Man Who Exists (A/N: from now on, will be called OM; author is tired of typing Old Man Who Exists) and his 107 followers!!!!!!!*Insane scientist laugh*

Numair: W-H-Y?WHY?

Bob: Oh, good.You can spell.Want to have a spelling bee?

Everybody: SURE!

Bob: OK, I will be a team captain, and King Jon will be the other one.

Queen Thayet: Why Jon?

Bob: He's the king.Now pick.

Thayet: So?

Bob: He's the king.I don't like you.Now pick, king!

King Jon: I pick Bob the Pineapple.

Bob:YOU CAN'T, YOU GABLONKER!(A/N: Gablonker means whatever you want it to mean, but in this case, it is... obviously insulting.DUN DUN DUN)

King Jon: FINE THEN I DON'T WANNA PLAY!

Voice From Above (Author): IF YOU DON'T PLAY, I WILL MAKE YOU INTO NUMAIR'S TWIN!

King Jon: *whimpers* I'll play, I'll play.

Numair:That wasn't very nice.

Author: I don't have to be nice.In fact, if I am NOT nice, you all listen to me better and do exactly what I want to you do, because I can do whatever I want to you.In fact, if you don't shut up, Numair, I'll make you fall in love with Daine!!!

Numair:I DON'T WANNA SHUT UP!

*~Author sighs and makes Numair fall in love with Daine, which he doesn't like, but eventually does like, and is why Numair is in love with Daine.Yes, Author is crazy~*

Bob:I pick Pip the Grape - er – Raisin.

Pip the Raisin (Is now Pip; author does not like typing all these names.As a result, you will have to remember the names of every fruit mentioned): *pouts* I don't wanna be on your team.

Bob: Too bad.

*~Pip the Raisin joins Bob's team~*

King Jon (Will now be KJ; author is getting old, fat, and lazy and must cut down on exercise like typing out full names): I pick my darling, loving, beautiful, delightful, affectionate, devoting, beloved, endearing, charming, charismatic, enchanting, sweet, kind, precious, gorgeous, perfect, ideal, flawless, joyful, marvelous, fantastic, fascinating, comely, wondrous, wonderful, merciful, fond, sentimental, respectful, altruistic, queenly, gracious, desirous, captivating, fair, fine, graceful, winsome, dignified, stately, great, eminent, intelligent, wise, sagacious, attractive, brave, courageous, valorous, loyal, patient, dedicated, earnest, faithful, patriotic, steadfast, true, trustworthy, gentle, cool, mellow, pacific, enduring, forbearing, imperturbable, serene, affable, amiable, beneficent, benevolent, benign, caring, charitable, compassionate, considerate, cordial, good, humane, indulgent, kind-hearted, obliging, sympathetic, tender, thoughtful, awesome, apt, astute, bright, brilliant, capable, clever, discerning, exceptional, knowing, knowledgeable, keen, perceptive, quick, sensible, sharp, intellectual, reasonable, witty, adventurous, bold, daring, audacious, intrepid, fearless, determined, hardy, undaunted, valiant, venturesome, lustrous, radiant...

Author: WE GET THE POINT; NOW TELL US WHO IT IS!

*~King Jon glares at Author~*

Author: Glare at me like that again, and I will make you, Numair, and Daine have a threesome!

Daine: What did I do?

Author: You didn't do anything.

Daine: Then why am I getting punished?

Author: Because you're stupid and your chin trembles too much.

*~Daine's chin trembles.Author sighs~*

KJ: *sigh* I pick Thayet.

Bob: Numair

KJ: Bob the Pineapple.

Author: YOU CAN'T GABLONKERING (A/N: See note about Gablonker ^ there somewhere) PICK BOB THE PINEAPPLE!!!

KJ: *pouts* Briana the Banana

Briana the Banana (Briana): Why do I have to be on the stupid team???

*~KJ is insulted, accuses Briana of high treason, and tries to turn her into Briana the Moldy Crust of Bread, but fails, because Author likes Briana the Banana and would never allow anything bad to happen to her~*

Author: So there!

*~KJ pouts.Briana goes on his team, pouting~*

Bob: I choose Lindhall Reed.

Lindhall Reed: Who's Lindhall Reed.

Author: Gods bless America (despite the fact that America does not currently exist) YOU ARE A GABLONKER!

*~Lindhall Reed is offended and runs off crying~*

Bob: *sigh* I pick George the Grapefruit.

KJ: Alanna

Bob: Keladry of Mindelan

*~Author is tired of this and will tell you the teams:

Bob the Pineapple's team: Pip the Raisin, Numair, Lindhall Reed, Kel, Cleon, Sir Raoul, Sissy the Starfruit, Faleron (Author likes him) and George the Grapefruit.

KJ's team: Thayet, Briana the Banana, Alanna, Neal, Daine, Joren, Paul the Peach, George (the thief) and Elaine the Apple ~*

*~*~The Spelling Bee~*~*

*~A large bee buzzes up and holds up a sign that says, "I AM THE SPELLING BEE.NOBODY IS BETTER THAN ME! MUAHAHAHAHA!!" *

Author: Just kidding!That's too old, anyways.

*~A large insane wild goat buzzes up to the 'screen' and holds up a sign that says, "I AM THE SPELLING BEE.NOBODY IS BETTER THAN ME!MUAHAHAHAHA!!"~*

Author: MUCH BETTER!May the spelling bee begin!

*~Teams line up; goat fades out~*

Author: Can't have a goat here, can we... oh no, I just made Numair disappear!

Numair: That's not funny.

Author: Yes it is.Now get to it.I will give you words to spell; you will spell them.If you spell it correctly, you get one point.If you spell it INcorrectly, one point will be subtracted. OK?

Everybody (who's playing, duh!): OK!

Author: Pip: spell "bee"

Pip: B-e-e

Author: CORRECT! Plus one.

*~Magical chalk puts a tally mark on the board.It will automatically keep score for us so that Author doesn't have to keep typing crap like this~*

Author: Thayet: spell "I"

Thayet: ummm... I

Author: CORRECT!Plus one.Numair: I think you're a snob so you get to spell "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (A/N: that is a real word meaning a lung disease caused by inhaling volcanic or coal dust or something of that nature)

Numair: P-n-e-u-m-o-n-o-u-l-t-r-a-m-i-c-r-o-s-c-o-p-i-c-s-i-l-i-c-o-v-o-l-c-a-n-o-c-o-n-i-o-s-i-s

*~Author faints~*

*~Author awakens~*

Author: You are supposed to be STUPID!You are NOT supposed to be able to spell words like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*~Numair shrugs.Author gets mad and turns him into a flat tire.Joy fills the world~*

To be continued...

Author is now too lazy to do more spelling bee stuff.This also has nothing to do with the 'plot'

Disclaimer: I do not own anybody here except for all of the fruit (ALL MINE!YUM YUM!) and Author (aka ME! Duh!)So if you sue me, I'll... I'll... I'll... uh... CRY!If you sue me, I'll cry.Then you'll feel guilty.Then I'll be happy.But anyways, please review.I like comments and don't mind flames because I'm such a kind and wonderful person ^_^ Have a nice day!


	3. The Spelling Bee (cont'd) and Some Plot ...

Author's Note: You liked, the Spelling Bee, so here's more

Author's Note: You liked, the Spelling Bee, so here's more.But I gotta get on to the fake plot after a while, so... yea...

*~Author would like to remind you of the teams:

Bob (the Pineapple, will now be Bob the Eskimo Tap-Dancing Pineapple.Actually, will still be Bob, but just remember "Bob the Eskimo Tap-Dancing Pineapple, okey-day?): Pip the Raisin, Numair, Lindhall Reed, Kel, Cleon, Sir Raoul, Sissy the Starfruit, Faleron (Author likes him) and George the Grapefruit.

KJ (King Jon)'s team: Thayet, Briana the Banana, Alanna, Neal, Daine, Joren, Paul the Peach, George (the thief) and Elaine the Apple~*

*~Author would also like to remind you of the score:

Bob's team: 2

KJ's team: 1 ~*

Author: Briana the Banana: spell "supercalifragelisticexpialidocious" (A/N: spelling, someone?My computer doesn't recognize it as a word.) because I feel like typing a nice, long word.

*~Briana scowls and decides to pass~*

Author: OK, then... Lindhall Reed, spell "supercalifragelisticexpialidocious"

Lindhall Reed (Will now be LR): s-u-p-e-r-c-a-l-i-f-r-a-g-e-l-i-s-t-i-c-e-x-p-i-a-l-i-d-o-c-i-o-u-s

Author: Good job, retard!

*~LR beams happily before Author shoves him back into line~*

Author: OK, Alanna, spell your name.

Alanna: A-l-a-n-n-a

Author: WRONG!*~Alanna gasps in astonishment~* It is spelled y-o-u-r space n-a-m-e!HA!So you spelled it wrong.

*~Alanna goes back into her line~*

Author: OK, Kel, spell "weed-whacker"

Kel: w-e-e-d-w-h-a-c-k-e-r *~She then realizes that (insert dramatic music here) she doesn't know what the heck a weed-whacker is.Looking puzzled, she goes back into line~*

Author: All right... Neal, spell "idiot"

Neal: N-e-a-l

Author: *~claps~* GOOD JOB!!!

*~The entire room begins to applaud Neal on his wonderful effort and wondrous success~*

Author: All righty-o!Cleon, you big carrot-top!

Cleon: I don't get it.My hair's orange, not green like a carrot top!

Author: Big-headed red-head, please spell "fantasticalamis"

Cleon: I don't get it.That's not a word I know.

Author: Well, it's in MY dictionary, so it's a word.

Cleon: uhhh... f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c-a-l-a-m-i-s

Author: Oooo!!Minus half for the "uhhh..." Now, Daine, please spell, "dim-witted freak."

Daine: N-u-m-a-i-r

*~Author happily gives Daine 10 points~* (A/N: I like Numair... No, I love Numair, but it's just so much fun making fun of him!!!!!!I think I'm addicted.To Jelly Belly's!!JOY!!!Well, anyways...)

*~Author will remind you (the reader) of the current score:

Bob's team: 4 1/2

KJ's team: 12~*

*~Sir Raoul steps up to bat... no... I mean to spell!He towers 1,500 feet over everybody else.(Author is obviously exaggerating, because there is no way anybody could be 1,507 feet tall...)Anyways, everybody else looks like a short fat tree stump.Joy~*

Author: Sir Raoul, please spell pumpkin head.

Sir Raoul (Too many names!!Will now be SR!):(slowly... very, very sloooooowwwwwlyyyyyy) p-u-m-p-k-i-n space h-e-a-d.

Author: minus half for being slow, SR!Shame on you.

SR:(slowly... very, very slooooooowwwwwlyyyyyyyy): But that's not nice of you.

Author: Just shut up and get in line.I am the ELITE and SUPREME Author.I could turn you into a flying chair for all I care.Hey that rhymes!Wanna play a rhyme game?

Everybody:HELL NO!

Author:Geez, sorry!I just thought it might be fun!

Everybody:HELL NO!

Author: Fine.Joren of Stone Mountain, because I'm demented and think you're cool...

Joren:I AM cool.No, actually, I am cold.Can we turn on the heat?

Author:We're standing in the middle of a rainstorm.No wonder you're cold.Sure, let's turn up the heat.Wait a minute!!!What heat?Our last heater just got fried by our "genius" Numair.We can't very well start a fire in the rain, can we?

Numair: Yes we can

*~Numair starts a magical fire in the rain~*

Author:That's very nice, but it's not giving off any freakin' heat!!!

Numair:Oh, yes.Magical fires cannot give off heat because...

Author:SHUT UP!You're not helping.Joren, you're just going to have to deal until our personnel can get around to turning the heat on, which will be never because we don't have a personnel, and we don't even have a heater because they HAVEN'T BEEN FREAKIN' INVENTED YET!

Joren: Fine.*~Sticks tongue out at Author~*

Author: Don't you DARE do that again, or I will make it HAIL.

*~Joren whimpers~*

Author:Better.Now spell 'a'.

Joren: A.

Author: Good job.Now because I like you, you get 5 points for that.

Joren: Yay!*~dances around in joy~*

Author:All right, Sissy the Starfruit (A/N: Sissy) please spell why.

Sissy: W-h-y.

Author: WRONG!It is spelled 'y'.Oh, well.Now, Paul the Peach (A/N:Paul) please spell the word.

Paul:T-h-e space w-o-r-d.

Author: Nope!Sorry!The word is s-h-i… (A/N: JUST KIDDING!Wouldn't want to corrupt all the little kiddies, would we?)Actually, the word is g-l-u-e!Sorry, Paul.Can't give you that one.By the way, did you know that your initials are P.P?*~Laughs~*

Paul: BLEH!

Author: Go away, Paul, you dork – 

*~Everybody gasps~*

Author: Aw, shut it.You're all big kids now and you can handle that word!Anyways, Faleron, whom I also like *~Bats eyelashes~* please spell "telephone" 

Faleron: *~Smiles at Author~* t-e-l-e-p-h-o-n-e

Author:Good job!*~Gives him a hug~* 20 point bonus for the smile!

*~Everybody smiles at Author in an attempt to get bonuses~*

Author: NO!Only Faleron gets that kind of a bonus!Numair, stop smiling like that.

*~Everybody turns to look at the smiling Numair.He looks like a horse~*

Numair: What?I thought everybody loved my smile!

Daine:Yeah.Everybody LOVES LAUGHING at your smile.

*~Numair pouts.Faleron realizes that (Flying Dutchman music plays... one of the darker pieces... the overture, perhaps?) that he has no freakin' idea what a telephone is!Author resumes spelling bee~*

Author: George.

*~George steps up, juggling about 50 ears~* (A/N: Well, you know he has about 25 arms, right? Just kidding.I bet for this part, I'm gonna get SO many flames from George fans...Well, bring it on!I've wanted to light these candles for a while.See? *~Holds up some lavender-scented candles.Her house has no matches for her to play with, you see~*)

Author: George, put those ears away.

*~George obediently stuffs them in his pockets.Author is REALLY grossed out, despite the fact that she *can* make him do whatever she wants him to~*

Author:Yuck.George, spell ears.

George: e-r-s

Author: 5 point deduction because you can't spell to save your life.

*~George pouts and is about to argue with Author when...~*

Author: Well, I'm tired of indulging you in this spelling bee, so now we're gonna have to stop.Bob's team won.*~Smiles winningly at Faleron~* Now please continue with the plot.

Numair: There's a plot?

Author: Unfortunately, yes.Bob?Please start us off.Again.

Bob:What? Fine.You must join the ranks of the Old Man Who Exists and his 107 followers!

Numair:OH YEAH, HUH!!!Why?

Bob: Because you must!

Numair: W-h-y. Why?

Bob:Oh good!You can spell!Wanna have a spelling bee?

Everybody:OK!

(A/N:HAHAHAHA!!! FALSE ALARM!GOTCHA THERE, DIDN'T I?????I'M SUCH A FUNNY PERSON!!!J/k.)

Bob:No, really, because you must join the ranks of the Old Man Who Exists and his 107 followers in order to be on time when the Mother Ship from Affadanitica comes to take you away from this cruddy little hole!

KJ:Hey!Tortall is no cruddy little hole.

Bob:Of course it is!It has no gorgeous waterfalls of hydrochloric acid pouring over slabs of still-hot lava, does it?

KJ:Ummm... no...

Bob: And it has no lovely man-eating ladybugs, does it?(A/N: A look into my world: At the end of the day at school, I was coming out of my 6th period class and there was this girl I *really* don't like because she's just *so* annoying.She was wearing one of those long sweater-trenchcoat type things.There was this ladybug on her backpack strap.When her friends *Note: I like her friends, but not her* pointed it out to her, she started screaming at, apparently, the very scary ladybug.(dramatic music))

KJ:Um... I guess we really should go to Affadanitica, and even board the Mother Ship.It sounds like such a wonderful place!

Bob (and the other fruit): GREAT!The Mother Ship will come in 9347 decades.Have fun!We must journey to another land!

*~Bob the Eskimo Tap-Dancing Pineapple and the fruit board the large flying thing and fly off into the distance~*

To be continued...

Author: As an afterthought: TUNE IN NEXT TIME!

Author's Note: I have no idea whatsoever as to why I even wrote that.I recently ran out of JellyBelly's and now I shall have to buy more in order to continue my inventive streak of absolute nonsense...Anyways...

Disclaimer:I don't own anybody here except for Bob the Eskimo Tap-Dancing Pineapple and all of the fruit.The "plot" is also mine, though my friend helped me think of it.


End file.
